You Can’t Touch Mormon Jesus

(To MC Hammer’s *Can’t Touch This*)
Mormon Jesus
Mormon Jesus
Mormon Jesus
Long, long, long, (Mormon Jesus) long, long ago
A spirit child on one of these planets was conceived
To an unidentified god and his goddess wife named ‘Elohim’
Elohim was conceived
This spirit child was later born to human parents
Near a mysterious star called Mormon Jesus
Mormons believe in Mormon Jesus
Through obedience to Mormon Jesus
He was elevated to godhood
As Mormon Jesus
Mormon teaching on death and resurrection (Mormon Jesus)
Endless sex had by the god of Mormonism and his wife
Produced billions of sons
Lucifer the devil and
a billion tons of children
The sons with the Mormon Jesus called a great heavenly meeting (meeting)
To decide their destiny was to have sex with Elohim’s eldest son
Lucifer and his brother
Mormon Jesus
Elohim’s son
Mormon Jesus
Approved the proposal of the
Mormon Jesus
Savior of the planet Earth would be
Mormon Jesus
Early Mormon prophets (Mormon Jesus) taught that Elohim and one of his wives
Came to this planet and started to write in an inn to have sex with a virgin in order to provide
Mormon Jesus
With the Indians
Mary, Martha and Mary Magdalene
Took three wives, at least three three wives produced at least a billion Israelites
The Jesus of Mormonism
Mormon Jesus
Mormon Jesus
Joseph Smith!
*(Musical Interlude)*
Ugh! Mormon Time!


8 thoughts on “You Can’t Touch Mormon Jesus

      • There are stupid / greedy / desperate men who indeed will go for that, as well as evil men who have the personalities to become the top dogs with multiple wives.

      • The only scenario that I think polygamy can even be: “sustainable” is chronic existential threats(preyed upon by giants or continuous hordes of demons) where only elite warriors may have up to 4 wives.

        We don’t live in such a world however.

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