Crazy cross-eyed woman arrested for training squirrels to attack her ex-boyfriend

Yeah.

I’m not only crazy; I look Hollywood-stereotype crazed!

45-year old Janice Smith was arrested this morning by officers of the Detroit Police Department, for allegedly capturing numerous squirrels and training them to attack her former lover.

The victim, 51-year old James Robinson, was presumably attacked by the rodents on more than a dozen occasions over the last month.

These attacks caused him many serious injuries, including the loss of two fingers and one testicle, bitten off by his attackers.

The poor man had no idea why squirrels kept attacking him until he saw his ex-girlfriend, a former circus animal trainer, cheering the animals during one of the attacks.

“She was partially hidden behind some bushes, but I could clearly see her and hear her. She was yelling orders at the squirrels and telling them to attack me.”

(Hat tip.)

IS bans pigeon breeding – punishable by public flogging – because seeing birds’ genitals overhead offends Islam

Yeah.

Senior clerics fighting for the Islamic State in Syria and Iraq have issued a diktat banning pigeon breeding as they claim the sight of the birds’ genitals as they fly overhead is offensive to Islam.

Jihadis operating in the group’s ‘Euphrates province’, which stretches from Anbar in Iraq to Dier ez Zour in Syria, told pigeon breeders they had one week to stop the practice or face public flogging.

The announcement isn’t the first time ISIS has targeted the apparently blasphemous practice of pigeon breeding – a popular pastime in the Middle East.

Earlier this year it was claimed that 15 boys had been arrested and at least three of them executed by ISIS militants in Iraq’s eastern Diyala governate after fighters took exception to their pigeon breeding hobby on the grounds that it stopped them spending their time worshipping Allah.

The solution is clear: pigeons must be made to wear burkas, when out in public, flying around etc. In the privacy of their nests, they can be unclothed, as long as no-one else is around, to see them naked. 😉

Mr. Incredible convicted of attacking Batgirl on Hollywood Boulevard; stopped in attack by Chewbacca

Another day in L.A.

LOS ANGELES  – A man who dresses as the comic superhero Mr. Incredible has been sentenced to 3 years probation after pleading guilty to attacking a woman costumed as Batgirl in a Hollywood Boulevard turf dispute, prosecutors said on Tuesday.

Muhammet Bilik, 35, was also ordered to attend anger management therapy, perform 20 days of roadside cleanup and stay away from the so-called Hollywood Entertainment District where the spat erupted.

Man smashed up psychic girlfriend’s car after prophecy his grandma would use a sex toy on him in a dream

Okay…

A man has been accused of smashing up his psychic girlfriend’s car after she predicted he would fantasise about his dead gran using a sex toy on him.

Casey Molter took exception to his mystic partner’s latest premonition, detailed in a police report.

She prophesized that his late grandmother would appear to him in a dream and “commit an unusual sex act to him involving an adult erotic device”.

Police claim that the 28-year-old “could not get the image out of his head and he snapped,” smashing up her 1997 Nissan Altima in an alleged retribution.

Officers rushed to a house in Vero Beach, Florida, in November last year, when alerted to the alleged incident.

Oh, Florida.

Of course.

Man Shows Up for Mugshot Wearing Previous Mugshot on His Shirt

Points for style. 🙂

So you’ve just been arrested, and you’re wondering what you should wear when you’re booked into jail. Worry not, as there’s one surefire way to nail it with style and grace: just wear any old shirt, but print the mugshot from a previous arrest on the front. You’ll knock ’em out.

Take Robert Burt, for example, a 19-year old who began a short sentence for drunken driving earlier this month. When he showed up to be processed, he wore a smart orange tee—a little baggy in the shoulders, maybe—with his arrest photo, from June, on the front.

Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife Pulled a Gun Out of Her Vagina During an Argument About Aliens

There’s a headline I never dreamed I’d see.

In the annals of bizarre crime stories, even Cormac McCarthy couldn’t come up with one this bizarre. Some sort of sexy version (?) of “guess where I put my gun, honey” turned ugly when 48-year-old Jennifer McCarthy of New Mexico (no, not that Jenny McCarthy) pulled a firearm out of her vagina (where else?) and pointed it at her boyfriend’s head after a dispute over aliens (what else?) got a little too heated.

According to the Albuquerque Journal, McCarthy, reportedly stormed out during a fight over extraterrestrial life with her unnamed boyfriend and then returned with a plan for vengeance. The police report describes how she went to her bedroom, dressed up in lingerie, put the gun in a place no guns should go, then somehow performed an unspecified sex act with the gun insider her. Naturally, that was just a prelude to pulling the gun out, pointing it at her boyfriend, and asking the presumably rhetorical question “Who is crazy, you or me?”

I think not only the anonymous boyfriend, but also perhaps the celebrity ex-husband writer Cormac McCarthy, dodged a bullet in getting divorced from her…