Tag Archives for murica

Woman Arrested For Biting Off Pit Bull’s Testicles

Because ‘Merica!

MADISON, West Virginia –

Witnesses told police this week that they pleaded with Boone county resident, Audrey Ranch, 62, to stop hurting her son’s pit bull, but she refused.

“Eventually she bit Pedro’s acorns clean off right there in the front yard,” a witness said. “Pedro hightailed it screeching like a wild Indian and when I tried to subdue Audrey, she knocked me out with an old tricycle.”

Realizing the police had been called and knowing she had time to hide (it is a 45 minute drive to her house), Mrs. Ranch cut off a length of garden hose, dug a hole and had her son help bury her. She used the garden hose as a breathing apparatus.

Officers from the Boone County Sheriff’s Office arrived, unburied Ranch and arrested her without incident.

Ranch explained her actions to police: “My son ate all the meat and I had warned him if he ate all the meat, I’d eat his dog.”

The dog underwent emergency surgery and is expected to make a full recovery. Ranch is facing charges of aggravated animal cruelty.

No word on whether the testicles tasted like chicken. 😉

Why the Third-Pounder failed

Because ‘Murica!

One of the most vivid arithmetic failings displayed by Americans occurred in the early 1980s, when the A&W restaurant chain released a new hamburger to rival the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder. With a third-pound of beef, the A&W burger had more meat than the Quarter Pounder; in taste tests, customers preferred A&W’s burger. And it was less expensive. A lavish A&W television and radio marketing campaign cited these benefits. Yet instead of leaping at the great value, customers snubbed it.

Only when the company held customer focus groups did it become clear why. The Third Pounder presented the American public with a test in fractions. And we failed. Misunderstanding the value of one-third, customers believed they were being overcharged. Why, they asked the researchers, should they pay the same amount for a third of a pound of meat as they did for a quarter-pound of meat at McDonald’s. The “4” in “¼,” larger than the “3” in “⅓,” led them astray.

MPAI…

My 14-Hour Search for the End of TGI Friday’s Endless Appetizers

One woman’s burden / adventure…

What if I told you that mozzarella sticks never had to end? That for $10, you could eat for free (for $10) for the rest of your natural life? That there exists a spot in the space-time continuum in which it is always Friday? That there are free refills on all Slushes™ excluding Red Bull® branded items?

Last Monday TGI Friday’s unveiled a new promotion (available at many TGI Friday’s locations, but none on the island of Manhattan) whereby customers can gorge themselves on unlimited appetizers—without fear of punishment, embarrassment, or ostracization—for a one-time payment of $10. The promotion is called “Endless Appetizers.”

The day after “Endless Appetizers” was announced, I went to TGI Friday’s in the Brooklyn neighborhood of Sheepshead Bay. I wanted to challenge the hubris of a company co-opting the infinite for a marketing gimmick. I wanted to demand accountability from copywriters.

I wanted to call their bluff and eat appetizers until they kicked me out, to seek the limit of this supposedly limitless publicity stunt.

I soon learned the limit does not exist.

‘Murica!

Colorado restaurant features waitresses, owners packing heat; patrons encouraged to bring holstered guns

Because ‘Murica!

packingheat2 packingheat

RIFLE — When waitress Ashlee Saenz takes your order at Shooters Grill in Rifle, she not only carries a pad and pen — she also packs a loaded Ruger .357 Blackhawk handgun holstered on her leg, Old West style.

It’s loaded and she knows how to use it.

Saenz and her co-workers, along with customers who come into Shooters, are encouraged by Shooters’ owners to pack heat in the restaurant, as allowed by Colorado law.

The restaurant also hosts concealed carry training — the $75 price tag includes dinner — that qualifies customers for Colorado and Utah permits.

[…]

Shooters owner Lauren Boebert of Rifle said she is simply allowing customers and employees to exercise their constitutional right.

“We encourage it, and the customers love that they can come here and express their rights,” Boebert said. “This country was founded on our freedom. People can come in carrying their gun, and they can pray over their food.”

Boebert was born in Florida, raised in Aurora and moved to Rifle in 2003, where she met her husband, Jayson. They decided to open a restaurant a little more than a year ago and tried to come up with a good name that would suit the town.

“I consulted with my Christian friends and everyone said ‘Shooters’ sounded like a bar or a strip joint,” Lauren Boebert said with a laugh. “But I thought, this is Rifle — it was founded around guns and the Old West. We called it Shooters and started throwing guns and Jesus all over the place.”

The decor of Shooters — which offers American and Mexican fare and does not serve alcohol — is decidedly Old West, with guns and cowboy art on the walls, a rough-hewn woody look and three large silver crosses that reflect Boebert’s strong religious faith.

Powdered caffeine – sprinkle it on your food!

‘Murica!

Why, you could even sprinkle it on dark-chocolate-covered espresso beans!

Why, you could even sprinkle it on dark-chocolate-covered espresso beans!

Need a dose of caffeine without the bitterness? Most energy drinks have an aftertaste that makes some people nauseous, and if you’re not a fan of coffee, then you’re left with few alternatives. What you need at this point is CaffeinAll. It’s basically powdered caffeine that you can sprinkle all over your food and into soups and drinks so you can get that extra kick while you’re in the middle of a particularly long and tiring day.

And perfect for mixing with powdered alcohol!*

*(If that becomes re-approved in the U.S. at some future date, that is…)